How Autism Changed ME: The Importance of Being The ALPHA

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

The Importance of Being The ALPHA

     I started becoming the Alpha Dog in my relationship with Tanner around the same time he bit me for the first time. That first bite was deep and shocking. The boy was 4 years old and was being playful. I was carrying him from one room to another and he sunk his little fangs into my forearm. The pain scared me. Did he really just bite into my flesh as if I were a steak?
   It took many, many years for me to lovingly dominate Tanner. Each year I drew a new red line regarding his behaviors and I never let him cross that red line. It was important that he knew I wouldn't give in out of convenience. It was essential that he had no question as to my limits. I offset my demands by giving him unlimited affection. Every time I put my foot down he would also get a hug and a tickle and a whisper in his ear.
    I started out by denying him attention while making his dinner. This small step changed everything. The Rule: I will not help you, sit by you, be pulled by you or stop what I am doing if I am making your dinner. period. There were sooooo many times it would have been easier to give in and change the batteries for him or put in a DVD for him. At first he was relentless, coming to me dozens upon dozens of times, pulling me here, pushing me there. But I never relented and now the little vulture only circles once or twice.
   My second step was to cease doing things I absolutely hate: like playing the Wii or letting the cub use MY fingers to push the buttons on HIS toys.I know this sounds like the perfect bonding moment between mother and son. But no, it only feeds his obsessions and drives me apoplectic. I won't do it. EVER. When he hands me the Wii controller with great hopes and mischieviesness I just give him a big hug and whisper sweet nothings into his ear and threaten to give him a titty twister and then he goes away. He tests me and I pass the test. He respects me but feels safe enough to try for a hug.
    These two small limits set the stage for the management of more serious issues. Tanner is a persistent cute little pup when he is happy but when he looses his mind he is as dangerous as a rabid dog (except that I don't have to take rabies shots when he breaks the skin). Before my alpha attitude set in the kid was making mincemeat out of me. His blind rages involved anything and anyone within his grasp. How he used to hurt me! He could shred my arms and hands with his fingernails or leave big round bruises where he bit....and the pinching!! Unbelievable really. Such a small boy with such strong claws. His head he used as a battering ram, pounding through sheet rock walls, denting wooden tables and metal cars.True mayhem.
    As my dominance became more dominant I refused to comfort him or defuse him when he had his crazy eyes on. I started to push back and take a stand. I raised my hackles and took a fighting stance and said viciously "You want a piece of me"? Then he started laughing because he realized that I had just used a quote from Toy Story. The first time this happened I "got" it! This kid needs me to be the Alpha Mom, stand my ground, and run the show. When I throw in a favorite verse from a favorite DVD his eyes go soft. I have used the Karate Kid eagle pose also, as if I'm going to kick the living daylights out of him. And recently I have raised a fly swatter, he knows what I do to flies.
    So with the combination of reliable affection and unwavering limits, I have created a more manageable son.These days he doesn't blindly hurt me like he used to and he always knows I have a great Simpson's quote up my sleeve......

NEXT UP......."Learning, Always Learning"

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In The Beginning

Once upon a time I was timid and indecisive. Once upon a time I was needy and insecure. This luxury started to change when I had my first baby, my abnormal baby. He was a perfectly wonderful baby to me. He nursed well, he got fat and smiled and played. Except he was to relaxed and content. He didn't move much, didn't hold his head steady and didn't make much noise; true dream for a new mom. I remember how I held him, how he melted into my arms. He never tried to wriggle out of my grasp. Later, I would watch him miss milestone after milestone. They called him floppy, hypotonic and "a touch dysmorphic". They were worried about my boy's development. So after seeing specialists who provided me with lots of meaningless well rehearsed uncertainty; and thereby receiving absolutely no workable information toward a diagnosis or plan, I left with a twinge of hope but mostly despair. I wouldn't find answers unless I diagnosed him myself. I would research until my hands fell off.

Milestones and Diagnosis

Milestones are those special developmental events which occur when your child starts climbing the ladder to success. Milestones are the"firsts" that moms get so excited about. My boy's first independent steps were at age 5 so you can imagine that even the basic accomplishments were long in coming: sitting unassisted at 10 months, crawling at 2yrs, speaking at....never. During the early years of research and development I got a diagnosis of FG Syndrome, an x-linked chromosomal condition. My son fits most of the physical and mental characteristics but can't be tested definitively because this syndrome hasn't been mapped yet. At the time I clung to this diagnosis because there was such a wonderful support group who could answer my questions. By the time he was 6 years old I was getting the raised eyebrows of specialists when I mentioned FG Syndrome because of their unfamiliarity with it. Later I became content with the diagnosis of AUTISM with a possible unknown genetic component which accounts for his "look". ie. small chin, prominent forehead, downward sloping eyes, hypotonia.

Fifteen Years Later

I have lived with a low functioning autistic child forever it seems. I have seen my boy grow from an infant to a 120 lb teen. I have changed from being a passive soul to being a strong soul. Before autism I was directionless, after autism I have lived every single day with profound purpose and significance.He has been such a joy to me and such a frustration. There were years of astonishingly violent tantrums accompanied with moments of joyous affection. I learned to accept help. I learned to be patient.Most of all I have experienced the incredible gift of unconditional love. I am living a full existence by giving up. I have given up trying to be the perfect mom. I have given up trying to control my life and his life. We are out of control but we don't care.