How Autism Changed ME: Autism And Empathy

Friday, November 22, 2013

Autism And Empathy

    Studies show that those with Autism have trouble picking up on other people's emotions. It is said that Autistic individuals lack the tenderheartedness to notice people's wants and needs.With my son I find this to be true most times but not always. I have glimpsed moments of intense warmth in his soul. I have watched as he wept with unpretentious melancholy while listening to Dvorak's New World Symphony, where the music itself touched his heart and his eyes leaked warm tears. I have been with him as he sobbed with happiness when Snow White and her Prince rode off into the sunset on the white steed. I have comforted him post-tantrum, when the fury is gone and the sorrow sets in because he knows he has caused me pain. In these moments of emotion I ask him where he hurts, and he pats his chest where his heart is. I believe Tanner has the most purest of feelings.
    There are moments when I am sad as well. I remember being listless and distant one day. I sat at the computer, staring, murmuring for him to just leave me alone. But Tanner didn't leave me alone. He sat on the floor next to me and just watched. He occasionally touched me gently, a soft hug, the easy press of his mouth on my cheek. The boy examined my eyes and my face and he stayed until I smiled at him.
    I have found that Tanner can guage other people's emotional status just by looking at them. However his reactions are often misplaced. If dad is irritable and tense then Tanner counteracts by being naughty and needy. If sister is pushy and intolerant then Tanner becomes aggitated and violent. If mom is impatient and harried then Tanner becomes destructive and loud. Negative in US equals Negative in HIM.
    Perhaps those with Autism have a sense of empathy way beyond our understanding. All I know is that the boy knows my moods in the same way that he knows my eyes. If I side look at him with rage eyes he backs away. If I raise my voice but my eyes are smiling he laughs and if I have desperate wide eyes he takes advantage of me. When I have kind eyes he wants affection. When I wink he tries to wink as well.
I think he likes my happy eyes the best because when I'm happy, he's happy.

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In The Beginning

Once upon a time I was timid and indecisive. Once upon a time I was needy and insecure. This luxury started to change when I had my first baby, my abnormal baby. He was a perfectly wonderful baby to me. He nursed well, he got fat and smiled and played. Except he was to relaxed and content. He didn't move much, didn't hold his head steady and didn't make much noise; true dream for a new mom. I remember how I held him, how he melted into my arms. He never tried to wriggle out of my grasp. Later, I would watch him miss milestone after milestone. They called him floppy, hypotonic and "a touch dysmorphic". They were worried about my boy's development. So after seeing specialists who provided me with lots of meaningless well rehearsed uncertainty; and thereby receiving absolutely no workable information toward a diagnosis or plan, I left with a twinge of hope but mostly despair. I wouldn't find answers unless I diagnosed him myself. I would research until my hands fell off.

Milestones and Diagnosis

Milestones are those special developmental events which occur when your child starts climbing the ladder to success. Milestones are the"firsts" that moms get so excited about. My boy's first independent steps were at age 5 so you can imagine that even the basic accomplishments were long in coming: sitting unassisted at 10 months, crawling at 2yrs, speaking at....never. During the early years of research and development I got a diagnosis of FG Syndrome, an x-linked chromosomal condition. My son fits most of the physical and mental characteristics but can't be tested definitively because this syndrome hasn't been mapped yet. At the time I clung to this diagnosis because there was such a wonderful support group who could answer my questions. By the time he was 6 years old I was getting the raised eyebrows of specialists when I mentioned FG Syndrome because of their unfamiliarity with it. Later I became content with the diagnosis of AUTISM with a possible unknown genetic component which accounts for his "look". ie. small chin, prominent forehead, downward sloping eyes, hypotonia.

Fifteen Years Later

I have lived with a low functioning autistic child forever it seems. I have seen my boy grow from an infant to a 120 lb teen. I have changed from being a passive soul to being a strong soul. Before autism I was directionless, after autism I have lived every single day with profound purpose and significance.He has been such a joy to me and such a frustration. There were years of astonishingly violent tantrums accompanied with moments of joyous affection. I learned to accept help. I learned to be patient.Most of all I have experienced the incredible gift of unconditional love. I am living a full existence by giving up. I have given up trying to be the perfect mom. I have given up trying to control my life and his life. We are out of control but we don't care.