The Tantrum

    The Autistic Tantrum is a very strange and powerful animal. It is absolutely frightening when you see one for the first time and it continues to be disquieting for many years. Some people think the tantrum should be controlled, I think otherwise.
    Right now I am enjoying Tanner's post-tantrum status. Presently, he is like a lion after a kill; exhausted but satiated. One hour ago he was in full blown rage, for a reason that none of us quite understand. Over the years I have  identified many tantrum triggers: country music featuring women singers, being told "No", anyone reading out loud, going the "wrong" direction in the car, being ignored, having to leave, not leaving soon enough.... But thesedays his triggers are more puzzling. There IS NO rational reason. One moment the boy is content and the next moment something disturbs him. Once the beast inside my son is awakened all hell breaks loose. He finds a human target, the closest warm blooded person in the room, and then he just loses it....grabbing, scratching, pinching, pulling hair. He usually chooses his 14 year old sister as the object of his dissatisfaction. She knows just what to do and I love her for it! She defends herself with smart maneuvering, staying just beyond his grasp. He chases after her banging his head on every wall that they pass until they reach his bedroom.Then with an adroit shove she pushes him into his room and locks the door behind him. Thus ensues the cacophony of head banging, book throwing and screaming. Meanwhile she gets a wet washcloth and wipes the fresh blood from the hallway walls leading to his room where his scalp was opened up. She waits for calm and quiet, opens Tanner's door and finds him calmly turning pages of a book he has thrown. She tells him that he can come out whenever he wishes and leaves the door open. Soon the boy emerges from his den, sits on the couch and resumes his routine of watching his favorite scenes from The Simpsons. My daughter, swiftly returns to her routine of listening to music while doing homework or writing her "book". All is Well.
    I know it sounds horrific and terrifying. It is something we are used to. We have adapted. We have survived. We will continue and thrive. Understand that I didn't jump suddenly into the pool of Autism. I have been learning this occupation for 15 years now. The duties started small, progressed slowly and allowed me to change as my son changed. ***note: I change tactics when as he gets stronger***. In other words, what worked five years ago does not work now. Before, when he was small, I thought that I could control his angst by holding him down, preventing his self abuse. Later I wrestled with him, trying to pin him down so he couldn't hurt me or himself.  I thought I was helping him.
    As he got stronger I started to lose the battle. He was kicking my can. My son and I were in mortal combat, me trying to disable him so he couldn't shred my skin with his death claws, and him desperately needing to feel relief through self injury. My learning moment came when I lost control of the boy and became genuinely afraid for my safety. The more I tried to control him the more determined he became. After we were both sweaty, bruised and exhausted I vowed never to hold him back again. I would protect myself and let him do what his brain demanded of him. Sometimes the boy, mentally and physically needs to "feel" something very profound and for me to prevent these events is wrong.
   I provide a relatively safe environment where he can hurt himself to the point that his demons are satisfied but not to the point where he becomes critically injured. The result is a little scalp abrasion, a little blood and a satiated autistic boy. Fifteen years of experience has taught me that he NEEDS this!