The Hazards of Holidays

     Big holiday gatherings are an absolute nightmare for Autistic kids. My son can really put a damper on things if allowed to escalate into his evil tyrant mode. Still, he is an important and integral part of our family and thus far has been involved in the joyous events of our lives. Over the years I have learned that Tanner needs a little pharmalogical help to take the edge off his anxious and violent behaviors. But no matter how much I beg him to sit calmly and quietly, no matter how much I want him to politely join us for dinner, no matter how much I wish he would keep his hands to himself, he ends up being who he is. Tanner is a phenomenon. We all know him well. Family members have grown to expect certain occurances, such as: When food is involved we all know that we have to guard our plate. The boy is notorious for sneaking up from behind and putting his finger in your pot roast. Also people have learned to never leave a drink unattended because Tanner consideres all drinks to be his. Once he gets your drink you never want it back, aka. backwash. Also the family has gotten used to the fact that there will be absolutely no after dinner football on the TV unless you want a smack-down from Tanner the TV tyrant. My brothers soon learn that they are missing some skin if they try to wrestle the remote from the boy. Small-talk becomes Loud-talk as the family raise their voices to be heard over Tanner's vocalizations. All the while I am highly aware of his body language so that I can avert a sudden aggression. This is our reality and for the most part everybody pitches in to help. A little later, after dinner and when the little kids go off to play, I give the boy a second dose of  "don't be psychotic" drugs and he starts to shut it all down. Calmly he will doze on my lap and then we are free to have boring, mostly civilized adult conversation.
     So what I have learned is that typical family chaos, noise and activity brings out the worse in Tanner and that medication isn't really effective. But when dinner and dishes are done and people are just sitting around then, and only then, is the boy calm enough to let the drugs work. In essence, everyone wants to "experience" Tanner for a short while but we are relieved when he goes off into dreamland.

Risky Behavior

     Some teenagers are big risk takers. They tend to engage in dangerous activities  like longboarding, fast driving and ladder climbing. These kids aren't afraid of accidents. I have an Autistic son who likes to live on the edge as well. Even though he is constantly supervised he seems to get into a lot of trouble. The other day I started a small fire in the fireplace for warmth and comfort as the snow piled up outside. The boy is a fire lover as well. Momentarily, I walked away to fold some laundry and when I returned he had piled every piece of firewood we had into the fireplace. My little pyromaniac watched as the fire grew and when there was nothing else to feed it he threw in a kitchen towel. As I watched to see what the fire bug would do next he looked eagerly at the throw pillows. There is no limit to what the boy will throw into a fire, even his sipper cup.
     Water also draws the boy under it's spell. Swimming pools are Tanner's nirvana. Although he can't swim he tends to inch his way deeper and deeper...the water creeps over his shoulders, then around his chin, then washes over his mouth and this is when his eyes go wide because he realizes he can't breath anymore.I watch him carefully to see if he can solve his own problems. Over the years he becomes more cautious.
     Another danger, or embarrassment, is when the cub decides he wants to take off his clothes. The other day after getting off the school bus the little streaker stripped off his coat, then his shirt and had his pants way below the butt crack before he got to the front door. It was 17 degrees outside. I got a good natured honk from the bus driver and quickly ushered my exhibitionist sixteen year old into the house. In the driveway was a scattering of clothing tossed aside as if I ran a nudest colony. The next morning there were still footprints of barefeet in the snow.
    Tanner also runs with scissors, walks on broken glass, opens the washer when it's on spin cycle, turns up music really loud and runs away from home. I threaten him time and time again that I will haul him off to Juvie but he just laughs at me.

A Few Of My Favorite Things

     I will be shallow here and make it known what is really important to me. #1  becoming warm when I am cold, ie. (hot bath, warm blanket, fireplace, soup)...#2 becoming cool when I am hot, ie. (cold drink, air conditining, cool sheets, snow cone)...#3 scratching an itch ie. (preferably a human scratcher)....#4 a good book, ie.(wow! that is sooo true and penned sooo beautifully)....#5 a clean car, ie (this car looks so good on me!). If I am comfortable then I am more apt to be grateful. So when these initial needs are met then I can go on and notice the other great stuff in my life.
    The single thing which has saved me from self pity and martyrdom is the gift of having a paying job. I have a skill other than being the awesome mom of an Autistic son. My occupation has empowered me enough that I have never become resentful towards the constant demands and sacrifices I make caring for my cub. Working away from home and being at the top of my game has instilled confidence and importance in who I am. And as a bonus, dad is a very involved and integral part of the family. Together, we have it covered.
    The other thing which has saved me from heartache and despair is that I have a son who is truly clueless. Yes, I am grateful that my boy is on the severe end of the Autistic Spectrum. He will be a perpetual, carefree two year old for the rest of his life, his needs will be met and he will never have the awareness that he is different. When I look into his eyes there will be an innocent child unconcerned about his lost potential. This boy will never know cruelty or disappointment or shame. For this I am grateful.
    Another thing which has saved me from feeling hopeless and overwhelmed is my teenage daughter. She was born into quite a pickle. From her earliest days she has endured the craziness of her brother. But the thing is, she never let him win. She never lost herself. I guess my daughter could have become a compulsive caretaker, hingeing on Tanner's every need, or she could have become bitter, hating her brother and her life as his sibling. Instead, she is a typical sister, sometimes a bully, other times a helper. But she is always a protector and I rely on her greatly.
    There are so many other things which make my life so full. Alot of these things hurt. The things which hurt the most are those which end up being the most beneficial for the growth of my soul. When I feel like I am doing difficult things I feel more fullfilled. Still, I would be lying if I gave the impression that my life is just one Zen moment after another. I experience the whole gamut of emotions in a single day. Some days I don't even want to wake up, some days I am so full of resentment that I just want to disappear. Most days I am content. The best days are when I am filled with a love so intense that I can't help but squeeze the kids until they can't stand it anymore. I am grateful for the best days the most.

What Do You Do For Yourself?

     Sometimes it seems as if there is never a spare moment in day to day life. I mean there are messes to clean up, meals to make, laundry to fold and all the other stuff that comes with being a responsible and conscientious mother. Having an Autistic child just quadruples the effort to maintain a stable environment for the family as a whole. And as much as I like to stay busy there are other aspects of my life that I really need to keep track of. For instance, it is important for me to know how I am feeling about my situation. It is important that I don't become an autometron, just going through the motions of a difficult  existence.
    There was a decade of my life when I did everything right. I pretended that I could make my family normal by becoming extra involved in school volunteerism and by cooking time consuming meals and by not wearing tank tops in public. I even attended a local church in hopes of becoming part of my community. Still, I believe, at this time, I was never so unhappy. By becoming involved in "normal" activities I had the hopes of fitting into the perfect mold of contentment like everyone around me. But really nothing changed except for added dissapointment on top of living with a severe Autistic son. Much later I discovered why I was an outsider and it wasn't because of Tanner.
    I wasn't being true to myself. I was taking my life to seriously. I wasn't enjoying the disaster which was my life. First of all, I had a big talk with myself and stopped all that "appearances" crap. Next, I started watching my crazy boy in a whole new way. I found that his "abby-normal" brain makes him a very interesting and funny person. I let go of my control, I stopped telling him no, I stopped covering his mouth when he got to loud. I just let it roll. When he threw his food, broke something, put his head through a wall, I stopped reacting. Afterall, these are just material things which can be fixed at leisure.
   And Most Importantly....the boy WILL fall asleep by 8:00 pm which leaves me MY TIME to do what I please. This part of the evening is crucial to my well being. I plan my alone time like I plan a vacation ie. it does not go wrong. First I make sure the children are put away and can't bother me, then I lock my bedroom door.
    What happens next is purely magical. I put on soft yoga music, light about twenty candles, draw a hot bath with lavender scented bubbles and soak until I am ready. Then I talk to myself. I ask about my day and how I am feeling and I congratulate myself for making it through. Then I think about all the good things in life which make me smile. Then I think about a single thing which I want to do better next time. Finally I try to blank out all thought and I ask with my thoughts "What is your will?", "Please help me!". I try to communicate with the presence I feel, the presence I talk to when I use my inner voice. Next I feel peaceful..... This is my indulgence, the thing I do for myself. This is what saves me from myself.