An Ethical Dilemma

      Over the past few months I have wracked by brain for solutions to handling the boy's sudden mega-rages. Since I am no spring chicken (heck, I'm even too old to be a laying hen) I recognize that before long my skin will become like tissue paper and my strength will dwindle to a spark. In the course of many discussions, friends of mine have tried to help me solve the impossible question. How am I going to manage Tanner's tectonic tantrums and still keep us safe? My male friends are quick with solutions. " How about a tazer or a shock collar or a cattle prod or a stun gun or a paint ball gun or a tranquilizer gun or an electric fly swatter or karate or an awesome WWF hold!"  My brother suggested that I purchace a dart gun that they use on wild animals: I bet you can buy one off Amazon, he said. My response is, hey great advice! All I need to do is buy some tranquilizer darts and when I am in a death roll with Tanner I can just shout to my daughter, " Hailey!! get the gun and shoot your brother!" The comical part is picturing Hailey trying to aim at a moving mass of arms and legs and shooting ME instead of her wild brother. Now that would be priceless comedy.

     Still, I recently had a very expensive meeting with Tanner's autism specialists. I casually inquired into the use of the aforementioned methods and was met with serious frowns. Apparently even in jest, the very mention of a tranquilizer dart is strongly a taboo subject.  The one and only solution brought to my attention was the use of our local police department. I can see it now.....red and blue flashing lights in my driveway, two nice men escorting a curious Tanner to a shiny, exciting vehicle, going for a ride to a new place. It would be the most funnest day ever!!!

    Don't worry. I still have reasonable solutions to try out on the boy. These gentler methods come from my female friends. Women tend to be more realistic and less sensational. So when a female friend suggests that I put gym mats on Tanner's walls (reasonable) and when a male friend suggests a tazer set on low (sadistic), I think I will listen to the gal.

Manscaping

    I know that I am super good at yardwork; pulling weeds, planting flowers and trimming bushes. But when it comes to MAN-scaping I am a bit insecure. I have this 16 year old Autistic "man" who seems to get "overgrown" every two months. And since this teen shows absolutely no interest in self-care it is up to me to make him presentable to the world, which means I've got to make him look good and smell good.
    When the boy was younger I kept his hair short and his body scrubbed. It was an easy job. He was smaller than the usual pre-teen and had skin like a baby. Now that he has "come of age" I find him to be kind of ..uh... hairy! And since he is not toilet trained you can imagine the conundrum. I know that most guys do a little trimming of their furry parts. I know co-workers that manscape ALL their fuzzy areas including legs and arms. So I think it only polite to try to manscape my son as well, if only for the benefit of those who care for him at school. I am very considerate to those who are grossed out by overgrowth.
    So every two months I get out the shaver. Tanner knows that this is going to be a full body experience and he is not very cooperative. First I strip him, then I shear him like a sheep. His head gets pinned between my knees and I go at him with the shaver as he tries to break free. I start at the back of his head and peel off tufts of brown hair which fall into his lap like masses of feathers. Tanner looks at these clumps of hair and quickly pushes them away as if they are disgusting bits of rotting leaves. Both of us struggle for balance as I maneover and shift him into the right position in order to sculpt his hair into an acceptable shape. Around the ears is hard, the upper neck is worse. But there is more....
    The next step brings nervous giggles and uncertain eyes. I pin him so he is fully exposed. I carefully shave his nether regions, but not to closely. Tanner gets a bit nervous. I think the shaver pulls the hair ever so slightly enough to make him flinch. I don't try to be precise, only a quick trim of the hedge to keep it under control. Quickly I move on to his legs and armpits which requires only a slight passing of the shaver.
    When it is all done Tanner is rewarded with a long luxurious bath, followed by a full nail clipping and a manly smelling lotion rub down. He is such a high maintenence customer and leaves no gratuity! If I didn't love him so much I definitely would ban him from my Day Spa.