Typically people have opinions about themselves. We know our strengths and weaknesses. We think about our pasts and our futures. I wonder, however, what my sixteen year old autistic son feels about himself. In the past I haven't thought too much about his self-esteem due to the severity of his cognitive deficits. I know that the boy still thinks he's little. I have watched him try to squeeze his teenage body into a plastic baby pool. Sometimes he tries to sit on my lap as if he's still a toddler. He even reaches his arms up to me when he wants to stand (as if I can pull a 120 lb sack of meat off the floor).. He loves for me to whisper in his ear and tell him how much I love him. He puts all his weight on me when he hugs me and he gives me open mouthed , slobbery kisses. So half the time Tanner thinks he's a baby.
The other half of the time Tanner thinks he has power. Sometimes, when he hasn't had enough love and affection, he starts acting like a teenager. To establish his power he starts tossing pillows around. Next he casually chucks small stuff like pens and scissors and tape measures, constantly testing my reaction. If he still feels like he isn't given the attention he deserves, he continues his path of destruction until I stop everything and give him some momma time (which is really just acknowledgement).
Mostly the boy is a baby in a teenage body. He would rather be naked. He would rather watch TV. And he wants constant entertainment.. I know that he's more often a baby though because he is always smiling. Real teenagers don't like to smile. Real teenagers like to mope and complain but Tanner doesn't know anything about drama, thank goodness.
